The priest in a small Irish village loved his rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock
was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?’
All the men stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’
All the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?’
Half the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Paddy was walking along the street in Dublin when he rounds a corner and there’s a high rise building on fire.
Being the kind-hearted Irishman, he runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.
Paddy yells to the people ‘I’m Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick’, the Irish Rugby Union fullback, if you jump I’ll catch you.’
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.
Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps.
Sure enough Paddy catches him safely.
Then a black man jumps out and falls to the ground, Paddy didn’t even attempt to catch him. Paddy looked up and yelled.
“Don’t throw out the fooken’ burnt ones!”

Go to urbandictionary.com, type in your first name, copy and paste this as your status and the FIRST entry for your name under comments.

So I did.
It’s not often I do them, but after seeing what mine said, I had to!!
This was my result:

Female name usually given to someone Irish or an Irish wanna-be. Most Maureens are smart, stubborn and memorable. A Maureen will leave you exhausted for days. You won’t forget your first Maureen, ever.

I nearly wet myself laughing and thought I should share it with you.
Go.
Check out your name and come tell me all about you!!

2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It gets worse…this year?
2010 – Chinese year of the Cock – what could possibly go wrong?

Hot on the heels of that I offer you a joke about those we all aspire to take the piss out of.
Politicians!
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.’
‘Well,’ said the big Croc, ‘what have you been eating?’
‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Croc.
‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’
‘Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.’
‘Same here. Hmm….How do you catch them?’
‘Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door, then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ‘em!’
‘Ah!’ says the big Crocodile, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.’

Finally this week, I’m sure you’ve all heard of full disclosure when selling your house?
If it’s had white ants you have to tell prospective buyers, any major structural damage, that sort of thing?
I’m thinking this pic says it all.
This is what’s known as full disclosure in the best possible way!

You need these:
250g plain chocolate biscuits
150g butter, melted, plus 20g butter extra
300ml thickened cream
2 tablespoons brown sugar
50g milk chocolate, finely chopped
3 teaspoons gelatine
1/4 cup (60ml) boiling water
2 x 250g packets cream cheese (room temperature)
1/2 cup (120g) caster sugar
3 x 60g Mars bars, finely chopped (or more should you not be able to resist eating the chewy little suckers)

Then you do this:
1. Process bicuits in a food processor until the mixture resembles
fine breadcrumbs. Add melted butter and process until combined.
2.Press biscuit mixture firmly over base and side of a round (20cm)
spring form cake pan. Chill for 30 minutes, until firm.
3. Meanwhile, combine 2 tablespoons cream, brown sugar and extra
butter in a small saucepan. Stir on low heat for 3-4 minutes, until
sugar dissolves. Set aside.
4. In a seperate small saucepan, melt chocolate with 2 tablespoons
cream on low heat, stirring until smooth. Set aside.
5. Dissolve gelatine by whisking into water with a fork until dissolved.
Cool slightly. Set aside (yes, there’s a lot of setting aside)
6. With an electric mixer, beat cream cheese and caster sugar
together in a bowl until smooth. In another bowl, whisk remaining
cream until soft peaks form.
7. Stir gelatine mixture into cheese mixture with Mars bars. Fold in
cream.
8. Pour half of cheese mixture into prepared pan and drizzle with
half of caramel and chocolate sauces. Pull a skewer backwards and
forwards through mixture several times to create a marbled effect.
Repeat process with remaining cheese mixture and sauces. Cover
and chill for 3 hours, until set. Slice to serve.

When you’re finished, it should look like this