The priest in a small Irish village loved his rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock
was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?’
All the men stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’
All the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?’
Half the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Paddy was walking along the street in Dublin when he rounds a corner and there’s a high rise building on fire.
Being the kind-hearted Irishman, he runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.
Paddy yells to the people ‘I’m Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick’, the Irish Rugby Union fullback, if you jump I’ll catch you.’
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.
Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps.
Sure enough Paddy catches him safely.
Then a black man jumps out and falls to the ground, Paddy didn’t even attempt to catch him. Paddy looked up and yelled.
“Don’t throw out the fooken’ burnt ones!”

Go to urbandictionary.com, type in your first name, copy and paste this as your status and the FIRST entry for your name under comments.

So I did.
It’s not often I do them, but after seeing what mine said, I had to!!
This was my result:

Female name usually given to someone Irish or an Irish wanna-be. Most Maureens are smart, stubborn and memorable. A Maureen will leave you exhausted for days. You won’t forget your first Maureen, ever.

I nearly wet myself laughing and thought I should share it with you.
Go.
Check out your name and come tell me all about you!!

2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It gets worse…this year?
2010 – Chinese year of the Cock – what could possibly go wrong?

Hot on the heels of that I offer you a joke about those we all aspire to take the piss out of.
Politicians!
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.’
‘Well,’ said the big Croc, ‘what have you been eating?’
‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Croc.
‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’
‘Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.’
‘Same here. Hmm….How do you catch them?’
‘Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door, then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ‘em!’
‘Ah!’ says the big Crocodile, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.’

Finally this week, I’m sure you’ve all heard of full disclosure when selling your house?
If it’s had white ants you have to tell prospective buyers, any major structural damage, that sort of thing?
I’m thinking this pic says it all.
This is what’s known as full disclosure in the best possible way!

You need these:
250g plain chocolate biscuits
150g butter, melted, plus 20g butter extra
300ml thickened cream
2 tablespoons brown sugar
50g milk chocolate, finely chopped
3 teaspoons gelatine
1/4 cup (60ml) boiling water
2 x 250g packets cream cheese (room temperature)
1/2 cup (120g) caster sugar
3 x 60g Mars bars, finely chopped (or more should you not be able to resist eating the chewy little suckers)

Then you do this:
1. Process bicuits in a food processor until the mixture resembles
fine breadcrumbs. Add melted butter and process until combined.
2.Press biscuit mixture firmly over base and side of a round (20cm)
spring form cake pan. Chill for 30 minutes, until firm.
3. Meanwhile, combine 2 tablespoons cream, brown sugar and extra
butter in a small saucepan. Stir on low heat for 3-4 minutes, until
sugar dissolves. Set aside.
4. In a seperate small saucepan, melt chocolate with 2 tablespoons
cream on low heat, stirring until smooth. Set aside.
5. Dissolve gelatine by whisking into water with a fork until dissolved.
Cool slightly. Set aside (yes, there’s a lot of setting aside)
6. With an electric mixer, beat cream cheese and caster sugar
together in a bowl until smooth. In another bowl, whisk remaining
cream until soft peaks form.
7. Stir gelatine mixture into cheese mixture with Mars bars. Fold in
cream.
8. Pour half of cheese mixture into prepared pan and drizzle with
half of caramel and chocolate sauces. Pull a skewer backwards and
forwards through mixture several times to create a marbled effect.
Repeat process with remaining cheese mixture and sauces. Cover
and chill for 3 hours, until set. Slice to serve.

When you’re finished, it should look like this

AUSSIE
OI
AUSSIE
OI
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!!!
OI OI OI!!!

Celebrate being Australian!
If you’re short of a quid, knock on the next door neighbours front door, cos he’s sure to have a few snags on the barbie, and will doubtlessly share them, whether he likes you or not.
It’s just the Australian way after all.
Have a fabulous day people.

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.
‘You don’t?’ I replied.
‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.
‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’
‘That’s right.’
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

2. I was checking out at the supermarket with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’
I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’
She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’

4. Several years ago, there was an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.
{remember this is a person who wants to be a doctor!!! scary huh??}

5. Recently there was a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
‘Do you need some help?’ she was asked.
She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’
‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’
‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys over.
As the keys were taken and the door was manually unlocked, it was suggested she you drive over there and check about the batteries, given she was obviously so damned tired!!
{no, she was not blonde, but the brunette colour did suggest false intelligence I’m thinking}

Life is tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!
Oh yes.
They walk among us, so be afraid.
Be very, very afraid!