OrganiSed Chaos

Indeed, it’s the time of the week when we attempt to make you giggle, gurgle, gyrate and spit.
Malarky Monday!
Not too sure where the last 7 days have gone, but gone they are.
Monday is a bitch of a day for most people as they look down the barrel of another week involving kids, work, that bastard thing called life in general and when Friday seems a bloody long away away, so we like to see you at least smile if nothing else.
Now, when I say we, that of course includes my madcap cohorts in Mark, ~m and DILLIGAF, so be sure to go visit once you’re done chortling here {did I just say chortling??? WTF?? my brain must be fried I think}
This week from me is not only a giggle, but in fact it’s educational as well.
I kid you not my friends.
It’s a lesson you could use to explain sexuality to your kids when they start getting curious.
No awkward conversation will be needed, just show them these instead!
Check these out!

It’s been quite the week in our house, so the idea of MM and some damned good belly laughs appealed to me more than you know.
Sick children, vanishing blogs and stock takes to come had me quite the gibbering idiot.
Some would say I’m like that anyway, but they never say it loud enough for me to hear mind you!!
MM this week is all about misfortune as reported in newspapers around the world, and a couple of these nearly bloody killed me!
Couldn’t breath, tears, coughing fit, the whole enchilada.
I know it’s not considered polite to laugh at others misfortunes, but these are just too damned funny not to laugh, and I defy you NOT to laugh!! 

Once you’re done here, be sure to visit my cohorts in ~m, Burnie and DILLIGAF

Click on the pics to get a better read if you’re having trouble

The first one gives a whole new meaning to shrinkage!

Oh yes, it’s all good fun till someone gets their willy bitten!!

Clearly this woman wanted her supermarket experience to be a bit of a buzz!!

Great balls of fire!!

Malarky Monday is upon us with the speed of a wounded duck.
I no sooner seem to do one of these than it’s time to do another!
Having said that, we can never laugh too much so perhaps the quicker it gets here the better do you think?
**thinking hard on that one**
Bugger it, it’s Monday, and a person can only handle the odd deep philosophical question on the first day of the work week, and it’s all too much for me, so we shall move to the gut busting giggles for this week, 2 of which are jokes for you pass along and share with your nearest and dearest, with the last one being the obligatory man with pussy cos guy’s just love them!.

Once you’re done here, don’t forget to visit my fellow malarkiers in Mark, Michael and DILLIGAF.
They’re sure to serve up some rippers!

The priest in a small Irish village loved his rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock
was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?’
All the men stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’
All the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?’
Half the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Paddy was walking along the street in Dublin when he rounds a corner and there’s a high rise building on fire.
Being the kind-hearted Irishman, he runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.
Paddy yells to the people ‘I’m Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick’, the Irish Rugby Union fullback, if you jump I’ll catch you.’
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.
Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps.
Sure enough Paddy catches him safely.
Then a black man jumps out and falls to the ground, Paddy didn’t even attempt to catch him. Paddy looked up and yelled.
“Don’t throw out the fooken’ burnt ones!”

Ah yes, Monday again, when we get out our ticklers in an attempt to attack your little fancies, and we all know there’s nothing quite like having our fancies tickled, right???

This week Burnie had cheated is my first statement, so please go and give him as much grief as you can.
That what he’s posted is hysterical has nothing to do with it, the bastard still cheated!
~m and DILLIGAF join the fun as usual and I’m sure they didn’t cheat…you hear that Burnie??
So, onto the fun that we know as MM.
I’m not a big believer in coincidence, and this next little snippet doesn’t encourage me to change my mind either.
Having said that, I do await with bated breath to see how accurate it is!!
I mean, how can this be just a sick coincidence???

2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It gets worse…this year?
2010 – Chinese year of the Cock – what could possibly go wrong?

Hot on the heels of that I offer you a joke about those we all aspire to take the piss out of.
Politicians!
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.’
‘Well,’ said the big Croc, ‘what have you been eating?’
‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Croc.
‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’
‘Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.’
‘Same here. Hmm….How do you catch them?’
‘Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door, then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ‘em!’
‘Ah!’ says the big Crocodile, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.’

Finally this week, I’m sure you’ve all heard of full disclosure when selling your house?
If it’s had white ants you have to tell prospective buyers, any major structural damage, that sort of thing?
I’m thinking this pic says it all.
This is what’s known as full disclosure in the best possible way!

It’s Australia day here today.
That day of the year when we celebrate living in this magnificent country of ours.
For the non Aussies among us, I give you some history on the day itself, so you have some idea of what I’m waffling about.
We have many, many reasons to be grateful in our country, and many have explained it far better than I ever can, so this is just to say:

AUSSIE
OI
AUSSIE
OI
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!!!
OI OI OI!!!

Celebrate being Australian!
If you’re short of a quid, knock on the next door neighbours front door, cos he’s sure to have a few snags on the barbie, and will doubtlessly share them, whether he likes you or not.
It’s just the Australian way after all.
Have a fabulous day people.

Monday.
Again.
Already.
Hmmmm.
If that’s the case it’s time to laugh amid that hilarity know as Malarky Monday, when myself Mark, ~m and DILLIGAF conspire with the thought of your smile foremost in our minds.
Last week it was all about the links, this week it’s a reminder.
A reminder that they walk among us.
Who, I hear you ask?
Dicks of course.
Idiots, morons, wankers, and those who nothing more than just plain fricking stupid!
Check out this lot.
Makes a person wonder where the hell these people’s heads were.
I’m thinking up their arse, but I could be wrong.
I doubt it, because it’s more than possible I’m right, as I’m also sure you will agree once you read these.

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.
‘You don’t?’ I replied.
‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.
‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’
‘That’s right.’
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

2. I was checking out at the supermarket with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’
I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’
She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’

4. Several years ago, there was an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.
{remember this is a person who wants to be a doctor!!! scary huh??}

5. Recently there was a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
‘Do you need some help?’ she was asked.
She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’
‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’
‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys over.
As the keys were taken and the door was manually unlocked, it was suggested she you drive over there and check about the batteries, given she was obviously so damned tired!!
{no, she was not blonde, but the brunette colour did suggest false intelligence I’m thinking}

Life is tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!
Oh yes.
They walk among us, so be afraid.
Be very, very afraid!