OrganiSed Chaos

Malarky Monday is upon us with the speed of a wounded duck.
I no sooner seem to do one of these than it’s time to do another!
Having said that, we can never laugh too much so perhaps the quicker it gets here the better do you think?
**thinking hard on that one**
Bugger it, it’s Monday, and a person can only handle the odd deep philosophical question on the first day of the work week, and it’s all too much for me, so we shall move to the gut busting giggles for this week, 2 of which are jokes for you pass along and share with your nearest and dearest, with the last one being the obligatory man with pussy cos guy’s just love them!.

Once you’re done here, don’t forget to visit my fellow malarkiers in Mark, Michael and DILLIGAF.
They’re sure to serve up some rippers!

The priest in a small Irish village loved his rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock
was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?’
All the men stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’
All the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?’
Half the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Paddy was walking along the street in Dublin when he rounds a corner and there’s a high rise building on fire.
Being the kind-hearted Irishman, he runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.
Paddy yells to the people ‘I’m Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick’, the Irish Rugby Union fullback, if you jump I’ll catch you.’
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.
Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps.
Sure enough Paddy catches him safely.
Then a black man jumps out and falls to the ground, Paddy didn’t even attempt to catch him. Paddy looked up and yelled.
“Don’t throw out the fooken’ burnt ones!”

Ah yes, Monday again, when we get out our ticklers in an attempt to attack your little fancies, and we all know there’s nothing quite like having our fancies tickled, right???

This week Burnie had cheated is my first statement, so please go and give him as much grief as you can.
That what he’s posted is hysterical has nothing to do with it, the bastard still cheated!
~m and DILLIGAF join the fun as usual and I’m sure they didn’t cheat…you hear that Burnie??
So, onto the fun that we know as MM.
I’m not a big believer in coincidence, and this next little snippet doesn’t encourage me to change my mind either.
Having said that, I do await with bated breath to see how accurate it is!!
I mean, how can this be just a sick coincidence???

2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It gets worse…this year?
2010 – Chinese year of the Cock – what could possibly go wrong?

Hot on the heels of that I offer you a joke about those we all aspire to take the piss out of.
Politicians!
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.’
‘Well,’ said the big Croc, ‘what have you been eating?’
‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Croc.
‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’
‘Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.’
‘Same here. Hmm….How do you catch them?’
‘Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door, then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ‘em!’
‘Ah!’ says the big Crocodile, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.’

Finally this week, I’m sure you’ve all heard of full disclosure when selling your house?
If it’s had white ants you have to tell prospective buyers, any major structural damage, that sort of thing?
I’m thinking this pic says it all.
This is what’s known as full disclosure in the best possible way!

It’s Australia day here today.
That day of the year when we celebrate living in this magnificent country of ours.
For the non Aussies among us, I give you some history on the day itself, so you have some idea of what I’m waffling about.
We have many, many reasons to be grateful in our country, and many have explained it far better than I ever can, so this is just to say:

AUSSIE
OI
AUSSIE
OI
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!!!
OI OI OI!!!

Celebrate being Australian!
If you’re short of a quid, knock on the next door neighbours front door, cos he’s sure to have a few snags on the barbie, and will doubtlessly share them, whether he likes you or not.
It’s just the Australian way after all.
Have a fabulous day people.

Monday.
Again.
Already.
Hmmmm.
If that’s the case it’s time to laugh amid that hilarity know as Malarky Monday, when myself Mark, ~m and DILLIGAF conspire with the thought of your smile foremost in our minds.
Last week it was all about the links, this week it’s a reminder.
A reminder that they walk among us.
Who, I hear you ask?
Dicks of course.
Idiots, morons, wankers, and those who nothing more than just plain fricking stupid!
Check out this lot.
Makes a person wonder where the hell these people’s heads were.
I’m thinking up their arse, but I could be wrong.
I doubt it, because it’s more than possible I’m right, as I’m also sure you will agree once you read these.

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.
‘You don’t?’ I replied.
‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.
‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’
‘That’s right.’
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

2. I was checking out at the supermarket with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’
I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’
She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’

4. Several years ago, there was an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.
{remember this is a person who wants to be a doctor!!! scary huh??}

5. Recently there was a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
‘Do you need some help?’ she was asked.
She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’
‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’
‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys over.
As the keys were taken and the door was manually unlocked, it was suggested she you drive over there and check about the batteries, given she was obviously so damned tired!!
{no, she was not blonde, but the brunette colour did suggest false intelligence I’m thinking}

Life is tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!
Oh yes.
They walk among us, so be afraid.
Be very, very afraid!

I’m sure most of you know the truth of what I’m about to say, but sometimes we all need a gentle reminder
Most people I know have children, including my own children.
As mine were growing up, there were times when I would look at them and wonder what planet they were from.
Some days I was convinced aliens had been during the night and replaced the sweet, loving people I knew existed, with the now strangely behaved, selfish, self absorbed creatures who greeted me at the breakfast table.
Creatures who seemingly had no idea how to speak the English language in any semblance of a civil tone, no tolerance for anyone or anything other than their friends and the mirror they spent 95% of their time peering into, and who could wither a full grown adult with a look that said so much more than any words in the dictionary.
I’m sure every person alive who has children can relate to the above??
There were times when I could cheerfully have given them away with a years food simply for the peace that was sure to ensue once they were gone.
We had days when noone understood them, because of course noone had been through what they were going through.
All adults had apparently made a huge quantam leap from being 10, bypassed our teens and magically emerged in our mid 20’s, thus clean missing all the trials and tribulations of being a teenager with it’s associated agonies that were {of course} being visited upon them, and only them.
Oh yes, we had our days, make no mistake.
I’m sure there were days when I was decidedly difficult to get along with as well {I say this before I have some daughters creating merry hell in my comments BTW!! }
Having said that, I’m sure now, as both adults and parents, they would realise there were underlying factors they were totally unaware of in the form of problems at work, financial worries and the constant pressure of trying to perform the juggling act that is part and parcel of being a working parent.
As I look back on those delightful times, one fact stands head and shoulders above all else.
The one thing that makes all else fade into insignificance.
The day comes when they just get it.
There is no way I can tell you when this will happen, but happen it does, that I can guarantee.
So, for those of you currently going through what could be considered a hard time with your children, regardless of their age, hang in there.
Sooner or later, a butterfly will merge from the chrysalis.
You will wake up one day and be in total awe of the amazing people your children have grown into.
They will be considerate, caring, selfless, thoughtful and you will gaze upon them with awe.
Your smile will become wider with each day that passes, and then the day will come when you know that regardless of any mistakes you made, no matter how bad things got, or how many arguments you had with them, these people are going to be the legacy you leave behind when you depart this mortal life.
They are your greatest accomplishment, without a doubt, and whilst they may give you grief for reasons known only to their teenage/early adult lives, it’s worth every bit of it.
Trust me, because I speak from first hand experience here.
Every time I look at any of my daughters, I am in 100% awe of the adults they have become and I’m enormously proud of the way they’ve handled whatever life has thrown at them.
The manner in which they have stepped up and the strength they have displayed whilst doing it.
Not only that, I love each and every one of them more than they will ever know.
The road has not been easy at times, but the rewards more than outweigh the alien phase I spoke of earlier.
My pride in these women of mine knows no bounds.
Has it been worth it?
Oh yes! It’s been more than worth it.

Ah yes.
It’s that time of the week when we try to give you a giggle, or a gut busting laugh.
Myself, Mark Michael and DILLIGAF band together each week and present a few little morsels for your consumption and amusement.
Without further ado I offer you some fabulous opportunities this week.
Frustrated?
Pissed off?
Want to get even?
Maybe go postal on someone? {anyone}
Well, if you wander over here, you can do just that!
I kid you not people.
You can actually upload a picture and shoot forty shades of crap out of them.
Off the top of my head I can think of several people whose picture I could make use of, and not one of them is an ex husband {and no, not a current on either!}
It’s all about the links this week, so I have another one for you.
Ever wake up in the morning and have a feeling you may have done something silly the night before?
Check here and you just may find out if you did or not!!
I spent hours going through this the other night and nearly peed my pants reading some of them!
Finally, do you Twitter and enjoy laughing while you do?
Well here you will find those celebrities who were voted the funniest on Twitter in 2009.
I’ve been following a couple of them since finding this site, and the voting was accurate.
Some of the things these people tweet are hysterical!
This is an image that amused me no end so I decided to throw it in at the last minute.
Must be an age thing I think!