OrganiSed Chaos » life

Peace of mind

anonymum — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 23:46:33 +0000

This is doubtlessly obscure for many, however, those involved will know, and from where I sit, that’s enough.

For some time life on both work and personal levels has been odd.
It’s not been horrendous, but it’s not been right either.
Disjointed comes immediately to mind if I was to describe the feeling in a single word.
It’s not been just one thing though, it’s more the culmination of several situations, both professionally and personally.
The things I speak of have created uncertainty, dismay, bewilderment, pain and a feeling of helplessness due mainly to them being out of our control, and a dependency on others.
Yes, we’ve had 2 brilliant holidays, our health is good and we’ve had many, many good things happen, but these have always had shadows on them.
While these shadows haven’t tarnished the good things, there has been some looking over our shoulders and wondering where it would all end.
I’m pleased to say, this week much has been resolved on all levels.
On the personal side of the coin, events have not only surprised us, they have also bought a level of contentment, an inner peace, smiles, and tears.
At work, much uncertainty has been removed, many more things are clear in our future and we can see much of what life will have to offer in that regard.
We can now move forward with a purpose in both environments.
Where previously we were struggling to see beyond dark clouds stretching endlessly, now the sky is clear and blue with the promise of only better things to come.
To those who are aware of these things, I know you will be discreet in your comments.
For others, be happy and smile for us?
It’s rare in my life I’ve been free of at least one situation guaranteed to create a dark spot.
As I write today, I can say there’s not one to be seen.
My hope is it will stay that way, but even if it doesn’t, I’ll always be able to look back to today and smile.
Peace of mind is something we all desire, and I have every intention of embracing it while it’s there.
I have high hopes of being able to embrace it for quite some time too.
Can you hear the contented sigh?
I’m thinking you can, because it’s quite emphatic.
I hope your weekend has been as kind to you as mine has to me.
Enjoy what you have left of it as I intend to enjoy mine.

An invisible neon sign

anonymum — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 03:04:20 +0000

It would seem I have an invisible neon sign on my head.
Problem here is I’m the only one it’s invisible to.
I say that because apparently it’s quite clear to almost every one of the following people:

Froot loops who travel on any form of public transport.
Those who eye you off from a distance with a decided look of distrust for around 30 seconds,then…….BAM!
They’re sitting beside you sprouting forth garbage which would make no sense to anyone, in a low, guttural tone designed to make every hair on your body stand up, and will have you checking the bed for a horses head before you get in at night.

Those who have no friends {in Oz we refer to this type as a Neville Nobody}
These are the people who smell like socks or jocks that have never been changed, or how I imagine a camels arse would smell {should I ever have any desire to get close to one that is!}
Wonder if it ever occurs to them this is why they have no friends??
I seriously doubt it.

God botherers.
Now, I’m not an overly religious person, but neither am I an atheist. Having said that, it amuses me no end how there are many who would accost you in the street to assure you the end is nigh, Jesus is on their left shoulder, and that if I don’t repent right now, my soul will be lost forever {I generally give them a heads up that sometimes the thought of eternal rest appeals to me, my soul was lost many years ago, and the devil on my right shoulder is gonna kick their Jesus’s arse!}
I don’t need to be lectured by some holier than thou twerp on my spiritual beliefs, but they seemingly think I need guidance

Even in supermarkets I seem to attract people who have no desire to do anything other than whinge about grocery prices, the lack of customer service, and have an apparent need to impart stories of days gone by where they could not only shop but enjoy it, and how their very last chook keeled over and now they have need to buy eggs for the first time in 20 years.

I’m not entirely sure why they think I could give 2 hoots or a rats arse, but I’ll tell you this.
As soon as I can get my hands on that damned neon sign, I’m going to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine on the next moron who decides my face is one that welcomes any drop kick, loser or mealy mouthed twerp I come across!

Beacons

anonymum — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 00:05:08 +0000

Of late my mind is quite strange.
I can hear some people saying this is perfectly normal for me, to them I would say screw you, that’s not what I mean and you know it!

I’m referring not so much to my state of mind, but rather how it’s been going off on it’s own little tangents without any warning.
Today it’s firmly entrenched in what I refer to as life altering times.
Moments of clarity which stay with you forever, and have the ability to change your entire life or the way you think, whether you want to or not.
These are moments that force changes, sometimes good, others not so good.
I’ll admit life is in a constant state of change for most people, and in that respect, I’m no different.
I am grateful that as a person I’m able to adapt to these things.
If we couldn’t adapt, we would drown in life itself I believe.
I’ve had many moments of clarity in my life, and every one of those moments is as clear today as the day they happened, so I thought to share just a few of the most important ones with you.
These are not in chronological order, they’re more in one of impact.
Obviously, the very first thing that comes to mind is the death of my mother.
There are few events in a 13 year old’s life which would have the impact this did.
Her death set off a chain of events that essentially shaped the rest of my life, because I can assure you, as a female, growing from a teenager to an adult without a mother to guide you is at best, difficult.
You have noone to point you in the right direction, nor anyone to advise you what’s right and wrong morally or physically, so the chance of making mistakes is higher than average.
My biggest regret, other than the obvious loss, is doubtlessly missing out on seeing her with my children and in turn, their children.
Enough said on that one I think.
Second in line is another death, that of my grandfather.
Although I only had him for a short time {6 1/2 years} it was long enough to create a bond that has, in my heart, lasted to today, and in fact I can still conjure the feeling of safety he engendered in me.
Yes I’ll freely admit, I miss him badly even though he’s been gone for 46 years {that’s absolutely the little girl talking there isn’t it??}
My father remarrying so early after the death of my mother {6 months later} is once again, an event that helped shape the rest of my life.
I refuse to go into details, suffice to say at {many} times, it’s been a decidedly unpleasant scenario, one which continues even today and still impacts on the relationship I have with my father.
It goes without saying the births of my children were 100% life altering, and again, still effects my life every single day, but in a good way, as I’m sure every parent would agree it does.
As a parent, we see our children as our babies, regardless of age, however, if you seriously want to see them as adults, watch them give birth.
Mark and I were privileged to be present when Zoe was born, and in fact I cut her cord, but I can assure you, it is not something I am in any hurry to repeat!
My pride in seeing how Kelly dealt with childbirth knows no bounds, however it was a moment of clarity like no other.
No more could I ever think of her as a girl.
She was, from that moment forward, without doubt, a woman.
Yes, she is still my little girl in some ways because they always need their mother {as did I many times through my life} but she’s not my little girl any more.
Quite contradictory I know, but truthful all the same.
It was no different other than the geography when Tasha and Melissa became mothers.
No more were they my babies.
With babies of their own, they were no longer apprentice people as I see young adults.
They were fully fledged.
I believe watching our children grow presents most of our life altering times.
It gives us an insight into how our parents felt watching us grow, and it it also gives us a greater appreciation of what our parents did in times which were not easy by today’s standards, and in some cases, the sacrifices they made.
In my adult life, besides the girls becoming mothers, the one thing that stands out head and shoulders above everything else is the day I met Mark.
I can recall every single detail and word from that day almost 16 years ago.
You want to talk about life altering, well let me tell you, I cannot begin to describe the difference it’s made to my life.
The good that has come from not only meeting, but marrying him?
Not possible to list them all here.
He is my sun, moon and stars and I love him beyond reason, no matter what.
Other things that come to mind are far away people I’ve met in recent years.
I credit these people with many positive things in my life as well.
A new way of thinking, seeing and believing are but some of the off shoots, and again, I couldn’t begin to tell you the ways this has shaped my life of late.
There have been more but the ones I have here are the big ones, those which have had the biggest impact.
Feel free to voice some of the beacons in your life, but please don’t feel obligated.
To speak of these things is not easy as I well know, but my mind has been rampant with them lately, and I needed to get them out there in the hope it will silence my mind.
I hope your weekend is treating you as well as mine is being to me.

In your eyes

anonymum — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 08:50:44 +0000

Someone made a comment recently about how they see themselves.
As is often the way, this prompted a convoluted thought process in my head.
The end result of said process was the conclusion that each of us sees ourselves differently to those around us.
As an example, I see myself as well overweight.
Common sense tells me I’m not, as do many people, but that doesn’t stop the thought entering my head.
{my clothes also have an opinion in this respect, as they tighten just a little more around my belly and butt!!}
How many of us see ourselves in a totally different light to others?
If you did a quick poll, the results would be overwhelming I think.
Every single person alive sees the person they are, differently to others, even their spouse.
Mark constantly tells me how beautiful I am.
My standard response is to let him know he’s not in trouble so there’s no need to butter me up, at which he merely smiles.
This has nothing to do with seeing people through rose coloured glasses.
It’s about how we view ourselves more than anything else.
The person I was speaking to sees themself as flawed and nothing out of the ordinary.
My response to that is they’re seeing the person they are from the outside as opposed to looking inward.
On the inside they’re nowhere near ordinary, as is the case with most people.
How many people do you see from the inside?
Honestly I mean, not just to be nice.
I’m not much into aesthetics {unless you’re talking about the way my blog looks of course!!} so how a person “looks” is quite irrelevant to me.
I don’t care if they have 2 heads, 3 noses on each head with a wart on each of those noses, and only 1 tooth in their head.
If the person inside is worth knowing, them I’m there.
Many don’t think that way.
I appreciate that how a person looks is important to them, because it can do wonders for their self confidence I know, and sure, it’s nice to have something or someone pretty, or even be pretty, but does it seriously make a difference?
Does how you look make so big a difference to your life?
All of us are guilty of putting ourselves down sometimes, me included, I’ll admit and the person in question here is expert at it, something which I regularly take them to task for.
Is society partly to blame?
Let’s be honest, women are made feel fat because clothes are made for stick figures, successful men are portrayed as dashing, well dressed and handsome.
These things can’t help, surely?
To my way of thinking, life is about attitude and what you do, not how you look.
I see little point in being one of the “beautiful” people if the person involved has no ethics or integrity, which seems to be the case many times.
Yes, I like to be, or see others, presentable, but to define presentable is different in most people’s minds.
I would certainly struggle with someone who smells because they don’t wash or use deodorant, but that’s a different thing to how they actually look.
Try and see yourself through the eyes of others and tell me the result.
I mean an honest result too, not one you think I want to hear.
You show me yours and I’ll show you mine.
How does that sound???

Comfort in silence

anonymum — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 18:41:45 +0000

So we’re home.
In some ways that’s a good thing, in others, not so good.
There is much running rampant in my head as I type.
So much to say, yet I struggle to verbalise my true feelings.
The last 3 weeks have been a total blur of good food, lots of fun, laughter, some fabulous places visited, deep discussions about many things, and the odd bout of tears, but mostly it’s simply been good friends enjoying each others company.
There were moments of silence now and then, with noone feeling any need to fill them with inane chatter and it was those moments when it would hit me exactly how comfortable we all were with each other.
It also brought to the surface a raft of questions as to how it became what it is, between people from opposite sides of the world.
As is my way, I chose not to question it too closely.
I for one find comfort in silence, whether I’m with others or alone.
Silence surrounds me as I do this post, and thus the reason for rampant thoughts.
Silence has a way of making me reflect on not only life, but how good it’s been to me in so very many ways.
It gives me time to be grateful for the many blessings I have, and for the wonderful people it’s bought me.
Immediately after those thoughts comes the realisation that this is what it’s all about.
The people.
Life isn’t about the material possessions or money you accumulate in your time, it’s about the quality of the people you encounter.
How many people do you know measure the success of their lives in material and financial gains?
Off the top of my head, without even thinking about it, I would say at least a dozen.
The same people I refer to are driven to enhance their lives with “things”.
I’m not much into “things”.
What means the most to me are gifts from the heart, and I bought many of them back from Boston with me yesterday.
An extra special silver tin is one that comes immediately to mind.
I worked out a long time ago that money doesn’t make you happy, it merely makes your passage through life easier.
The things that make you content simply cannot be bought.
Yes, you need to work in order to enjoy some of those things, but in my mind that only helps you appreciate them more.
How do you put a price on good friends and the quality time you spend with them?
You can’t.
Try and put a price on the comfortable silence I speak of.
You can’t.
Tell me the worth of a gift given purely through love.
I repeat. You can’t.
Yes, there is indeed much comfort to be had in silence.

Wonderful

anonymum — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 19:30:08 +0000

So we’re nearly done.
I say this not to make people sad, it’s more for me to psych myself up for what must be done on Friday.
We’ve had a holiday that will be remembered for a long, long time though because the past 3 weeks have been wonderful.
No other word comes close to saying what I mean.
We’ve been to some brilliant places, seen some fantastic sights, sweated in the heat some days, and almost frozen our butts off some nights {well, I did anyway, others fared a little better!}
The food has been incredible, the scenery and terrain delightful and the company nothing less than perfect.
We have the remainder of today, all of tomorrow and the best part of Friday before we leave though, and I can assure you, we will absolutely be making the most of that time.
Later today I will do some cooking and baking {have to leave some Anzac biscuits!} and into Boston for some more fun tomorrow, then tomorrow night we’ll hang at home, eat some good food, start a firepit, then laugh and reminisce about our time here.
There will be laughter, and some tears, but we will finish as we started.
Around the fire pit drinking and just generally enjoying each others company, because that’s what it’s all about.
It’s well and good to go out or away, but it all boils down to good friends just enjoying each other.
I know there are people nodding their heads in agreement as they read that last line, because it’s the truth.
Nothing compares to good friends getting together, and nothing can stop it happening, not even geography.
Maybe we would like it to happen a little more, but we all take what we can when we can.
It’s the only option we have.

Inaccessible

anonymum — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 02:00:55 +0000

As I laze on the back deck of some very special friends, it occurs to me just how relaxed both Mark and I are.
Not once have we spoken about work, home, problems, or indeed anything close to serious, stressful or problematic.
We’re content to stay home and putter around the house, him doing a few bits and pieces, me cooking now and again.
Neither of us are in a hurry to say or do anything, go anywhere other than where and when it takes our fancy, if it takes our fancy.
I appreciate this is what holidays are for, though having said that, the next thought I have makes me wonder why it is we need to travel 10,000k’s in order to achieve this level of relaxation.
Is life so bad on a day to day basis that we feel need to run away as far as we can?
Immediately the answer comes to me, and it’s no.
We have a good life, a brilliant family, fabulous friends and enough money to enjoy all of these things regardless of distance.
Being so far away is the key we decided.
We’re inaccessible to the things that can derail our holidays.
If anything goes wrong at work, when we’re on leave, if we’re at home, or even in Australia, we’re still accessible should we be needed.
Here we’re not.
Sure they can send an email or a text, but there is literally no chance of being called in to work.
Whilst it may sound ridiculous, in the positions we hold, it’s more than possible we can be called back to fix, sort or make sense of something considered managements responsibility.
As we’re both management, it’s certainly not beyond the realms of possibility and we both know that.
I know there is always family to consider, but I can guarantee you, there is not one of them who would consider asking us to go home early short of a major disaster {God forbid!}
Besides, we try hard to stay accessible to them anyway, be it by email, text message or even FB messages should we need to.
Inaccessible?
To work yes, to home, never.
P.S This post took the better part of all day to do because I needed a 3 hour nap in between doing it.
This from someone who never naps.
Relaxed much do you think??

Checking in

anonymum — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 22:59:06 +0000

So I have this checklist, and the time has come to make sure all my little ducks are in a row.

Flights Townsville to Brisbane return – check
Flights Brisbane to Boston return – check
Visas – check
Passports valid for at least 3 months – check
Travel insurance – check
Contact bank to ensure they know there will be transactions in Nth America for 3 weeks – check
House sitter – check
Gifts – check {with a couple of small surprises}
Game of Celebrity Head – check
Boxing kangaroo flag – check
Recipes – check
Vegemite – check {getting Tim Tams today. Tim Tam slams here we come!!}
Duty free shopping – yet to come, but I can assure you, it is certainly on my list {can’t forget the Bundy can we??}
**Mental note…FFS Moe, remember to pay the power bill before you leave!! There’s a disaster waiting to happen if ever I heard one. Could someone please nudge me around Thursday??? I could be a little distracted by then, if for no other reason than I’ll be trying to keep myself in my own skin!!**

We have yet to pack, but that won’t take too long.
Being wiser and more street smart this time around we won’t be taking nearly as much as we did last year.
If we find we’re short of clothes or anything else, we’ll buy whatever it is over there.
Everything, and I mean everything, is so much cheaper it’s quite astounding, so why take it with us is my question.
If needs be we can buy another bag to bring anything extra back with us.

It would seem that a little less than a week out from leaving, all is in order and we’ve been quite efficient in bringing it together.
Having said that, I look back on my list and it doesn’t seem all that big given it’s taken a year to make it happen!
I’ll be scarce around the blogs for the next few days as I wind down at work and take care of any little last minute details that may arise {read jump up and bite me on the arse!}
I do have a post scheduled for late in the week, but…well, you’ll see {and NO peeking ~m!}

Brace yourself Boston, an Aussie assault is just around the corner.
Please fasten your seat belt and ensure your seat and tray table are in the upright position in readiness for take off…

Anyone?

anonymum — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 12:26:22 +0000

I’m so over hearing about Lindsay Lohan, badly behaved actors and sports stars, and I’m even more sick of hearing Tiger Woods and Greg Normans names.
Can someone tell me the name of the last soldier killed in Iraq? {without G**gling it?}
Or the total number of soldiers killed in Iraq?
Anyone?

In my heart

anonymum — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 00:35:03 +0000

As I’m home sick, I’ve been trawling some archives today, in a place that is not only close to my heart, but one of the very first blogs I encountered.
I originally visited on the recommendation of a blogger who not only owns the very first blog I ever heard of, but one who just happens to be my eldest daughter.
Yes, I do have a point relevant to the title of this post.
Stay with me here.
Humour me?
Now, as I trawled the archives of the place in question today, a thought occurred to me.
{Not only did it occur to me, it prompted an email to the blog owner in relation to an ongoing conversation we’ve been having recently, but that’s another story. I digress again, sorry!}
Some 4 years ago this blog was born.
Well, not this one specifically, but my blog, as a whole.
What was it about this odd pastime that appealed to me?
Was it having somewhere to say what I wanted without fearing retribution regardless of the topic, the ability it gave me to say things I felt I needed to say, no matter how ridiculous or deranged they sound {which is quite often BTW!!} or did it have a larger, more complicated purpose?
This blog has bought to me and mine some of the most wonderful people you could ever wish to have in your life, other friends I’ve never met, yet still I consider them friends, because that’s just what blogging does.
It creates community and solidarity regardless of distance, geography or anything else.
I like that.
The next thought that occurs to me is, do I see this as perhaps a validation?
Do I want it reinforced that what I have to say is important to others, rather than just myself?
That was dismissed as quickly as it entered my head because let’s be honest, I don’t give a flying fuck what other people think of, or about me, now do I??
Several other silly other ideas on the subject entered my head, then it hit me.
Here I can say what’s in my heart.
Yes, my head plays a part in that because it’s my brain which forms the words, but when I look back on the posts that actually meant something to me as opposed to merely throwing thoughts out of my head because it’s cluttered, every last one of them came from deep in my heart.
What fascinates the most about this revelation is that I’m normally a very private person when it comes to things that are close and personal.
I’m not comfortable wearing my heart on my sleeve and yet here, on my blog, I find it easier.
Is that because things seem less real when they’re written as opposed to spoken?
Less painful or distressing?
Saying what’s in my heart does not come easily to me, other than to those near and dearest to me, and even then, it takes time for me to find the words I need, and the inclination to say them as well.
Over the last 4 years I’ve said more here about what’s in my heart than I have anywhere else in my entire life.
I don’t suggest it’s been easy to find the words, but when it’s mattered most to me, they’ve been there for me to find.
So many bloggers do what I’ve done today.
Wonder what it’s all about in a similar manner to when they contemplate what life is all about.
I know this because I’ve seen the posts.
It’s a question that vexes many.
For me, I have the answer.
It may be a surprising answer, but at least now, I have one.
Amazing how sometimes we don’t know we actually had a question, until we find an answer that resonates isn’t it?