OrganiSed Chaos » Insight

Dreaming

anonymum — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 21:55:49 +0000

Dreams are strange happenings.
We don’t understand why we have them, yet most people do.
Their purpose has been an unanswered question for long as history has been recorded.
No, I don’t have the answer, but I can tell you there is a trigger for my dreams {as I type that, I can hear my 3 girls as a chorus}
PORK!!!
I kid you not. Pork.
Ordinarily, I lucid dream, which can be quite the advantage should a dream not be to my liking.
However, when the dream is triggered by pork, I lose the ability to know it’s a dream, thus I can’t wake myself up.
Pork dreams {as I call them in my head} are 100% nonsensical.
Most of them are the better than any comedy show you could watch, joke you can hear, or indeed any science fiction show you would see.
To give you an idea of what I mean when I say nonsensical, I’ll give you a small list of the bizarre things that appear, and happen, in my pork dreams.
Life sized purple grasshoppers
Jumbo jet size psychedelic orange flies
Living on a bright green planet in space with Klingon or Cardassian neighbours
Running through a field of canary yellow trees while being pursued by a 4 headed t rex
These are but a small taste of the things that come to me while I sleep.
Lucid dreaming is a strange thing.
If I’m having a nightmare {not uncommon} then I know it’s a nightmare and I can wake myself up.
On the other hand, should I be having a pleasant dream, the very second it occurs to me that it’s a dream, I wake up without wanting to.
Most frustrating.
As I get a little older, I’m finding it’s not only pork which will trigger strange dreams.
If we have a later than normal dinner and it includes something spicy, the same thing will happen.
They may not be on the same bizarre level as they are with pork as yet, however as time goes by, I find them slowly becoming just as odd.
I was wondering if I’m the only one who has dream triggers.
I’m certainly not making an attempt to work out why we dream, what meaning they have or indeed how they occur, this is merely something I thought I’d throw out there.

Peace of mind

anonymum — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 23:46:33 +0000

This is doubtlessly obscure for many, however, those involved will know, and from where I sit, that’s enough.

For some time life on both work and personal levels has been odd.
It’s not been horrendous, but it’s not been right either.
Disjointed comes immediately to mind if I was to describe the feeling in a single word.
It’s not been just one thing though, it’s more the culmination of several situations, both professionally and personally.
The things I speak of have created uncertainty, dismay, bewilderment, pain and a feeling of helplessness due mainly to them being out of our control, and a dependency on others.
Yes, we’ve had 2 brilliant holidays, our health is good and we’ve had many, many good things happen, but these have always had shadows on them.
While these shadows haven’t tarnished the good things, there has been some looking over our shoulders and wondering where it would all end.
I’m pleased to say, this week much has been resolved on all levels.
On the personal side of the coin, events have not only surprised us, they have also bought a level of contentment, an inner peace, smiles, and tears.
At work, much uncertainty has been removed, many more things are clear in our future and we can see much of what life will have to offer in that regard.
We can now move forward with a purpose in both environments.
Where previously we were struggling to see beyond dark clouds stretching endlessly, now the sky is clear and blue with the promise of only better things to come.
To those who are aware of these things, I know you will be discreet in your comments.
For others, be happy and smile for us?
It’s rare in my life I’ve been free of at least one situation guaranteed to create a dark spot.
As I write today, I can say there’s not one to be seen.
My hope is it will stay that way, but even if it doesn’t, I’ll always be able to look back to today and smile.
Peace of mind is something we all desire, and I have every intention of embracing it while it’s there.
I have high hopes of being able to embrace it for quite some time too.
Can you hear the contented sigh?
I’m thinking you can, because it’s quite emphatic.
I hope your weekend has been as kind to you as mine has to me.
Enjoy what you have left of it as I intend to enjoy mine.

Beacons

anonymum — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 00:05:08 +0000

Of late my mind is quite strange.
I can hear some people saying this is perfectly normal for me, to them I would say screw you, that’s not what I mean and you know it!

I’m referring not so much to my state of mind, but rather how it’s been going off on it’s own little tangents without any warning.
Today it’s firmly entrenched in what I refer to as life altering times.
Moments of clarity which stay with you forever, and have the ability to change your entire life or the way you think, whether you want to or not.
These are moments that force changes, sometimes good, others not so good.
I’ll admit life is in a constant state of change for most people, and in that respect, I’m no different.
I am grateful that as a person I’m able to adapt to these things.
If we couldn’t adapt, we would drown in life itself I believe.
I’ve had many moments of clarity in my life, and every one of those moments is as clear today as the day they happened, so I thought to share just a few of the most important ones with you.
These are not in chronological order, they’re more in one of impact.
Obviously, the very first thing that comes to mind is the death of my mother.
There are few events in a 13 year old’s life which would have the impact this did.
Her death set off a chain of events that essentially shaped the rest of my life, because I can assure you, as a female, growing from a teenager to an adult without a mother to guide you is at best, difficult.
You have noone to point you in the right direction, nor anyone to advise you what’s right and wrong morally or physically, so the chance of making mistakes is higher than average.
My biggest regret, other than the obvious loss, is doubtlessly missing out on seeing her with my children and in turn, their children.
Enough said on that one I think.
Second in line is another death, that of my grandfather.
Although I only had him for a short time {6 1/2 years} it was long enough to create a bond that has, in my heart, lasted to today, and in fact I can still conjure the feeling of safety he engendered in me.
Yes I’ll freely admit, I miss him badly even though he’s been gone for 46 years {that’s absolutely the little girl talking there isn’t it??}
My father remarrying so early after the death of my mother {6 months later} is once again, an event that helped shape the rest of my life.
I refuse to go into details, suffice to say at {many} times, it’s been a decidedly unpleasant scenario, one which continues even today and still impacts on the relationship I have with my father.
It goes without saying the births of my children were 100% life altering, and again, still effects my life every single day, but in a good way, as I’m sure every parent would agree it does.
As a parent, we see our children as our babies, regardless of age, however, if you seriously want to see them as adults, watch them give birth.
Mark and I were privileged to be present when Zoe was born, and in fact I cut her cord, but I can assure you, it is not something I am in any hurry to repeat!
My pride in seeing how Kelly dealt with childbirth knows no bounds, however it was a moment of clarity like no other.
No more could I ever think of her as a girl.
She was, from that moment forward, without doubt, a woman.
Yes, she is still my little girl in some ways because they always need their mother {as did I many times through my life} but she’s not my little girl any more.
Quite contradictory I know, but truthful all the same.
It was no different other than the geography when Tasha and Melissa became mothers.
No more were they my babies.
With babies of their own, they were no longer apprentice people as I see young adults.
They were fully fledged.
I believe watching our children grow presents most of our life altering times.
It gives us an insight into how our parents felt watching us grow, and it it also gives us a greater appreciation of what our parents did in times which were not easy by today’s standards, and in some cases, the sacrifices they made.
In my adult life, besides the girls becoming mothers, the one thing that stands out head and shoulders above everything else is the day I met Mark.
I can recall every single detail and word from that day almost 16 years ago.
You want to talk about life altering, well let me tell you, I cannot begin to describe the difference it’s made to my life.
The good that has come from not only meeting, but marrying him?
Not possible to list them all here.
He is my sun, moon and stars and I love him beyond reason, no matter what.
Other things that come to mind are far away people I’ve met in recent years.
I credit these people with many positive things in my life as well.
A new way of thinking, seeing and believing are but some of the off shoots, and again, I couldn’t begin to tell you the ways this has shaped my life of late.
There have been more but the ones I have here are the big ones, those which have had the biggest impact.
Feel free to voice some of the beacons in your life, but please don’t feel obligated.
To speak of these things is not easy as I well know, but my mind has been rampant with them lately, and I needed to get them out there in the hope it will silence my mind.
I hope your weekend is treating you as well as mine is being to me.

Passage of time

anonymum — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 01:27:58 +0000

Does anyone else find their mind set changing as they age?
Over time I find many things different.
The blog is the very first one that comes to mind.
I know it’s had several make overs, but that’s not what I’m referring to.
It began as somewhere to have fun, curse, swear, get up on my soap box and generally run amuck, which is what I used to do.
These days, not so much.
Overall the tone has changed.
There is less swearing, less ranting, and yes, I’ll admit there is less posting as well, but I think we all know about the trying to find a life thing {let me add here, it is doing some good too}
My posts these days seem less frantic, come from deeper than they used to, are more controlled and far better written {well I think so anyway, and that’s what counts I guess}
My attitude towards many things has changed too.
Certainly my thoughts and tolerance level for idiots or morons haven’t changed,and I’m still inclined to tell them exactly what they are, but many other things seem different in my minds eye.
When I say that, I refer to what now seems silly things.
Happenings and scenarios seemingly designed to drive me insane no longer bother me.
At all.
I shrug and say, whatever.
It’s more difficult to anger, upset or annoy me.
Some things will never change, I know.
For instance I still see no need for ignorance, arrogance or bad manners, but those are, I think, universal and not unique to an individual because they’re sociological issues.
I mean more {what are now} trivial matters.
No longer does it matter how the towels are folded, the washing goes on the line, no more colour coordinating pegs with clothes {yes, i really did do that!!!} tea towels and pillow slips don’t need to be ironed, if I miss doing a few dishes, the roof does not cave in, and when someone says “I need to talk to you” I no longer think “Shit, what did I do???” I’m more inclined to look forward to what they have to say.
These are but a few of the scenarios that would, at one time not so long ago, have driven me mad!
I can still be pedantic in the kitchen because there are right and wrong ways to do things, at times I still have the odd flare of temper, but the difference now is I lean towards being a little more understanding of how people do or say things.
I’m absolutely no less sensitive to some words or things said and done to me, but I’m less likely to crack it when they’re said or done.
Maybe it’s something that happens with age?
I’m not suggesting I’ve turned into an old fogey, don’t get me wrong, but I do have a theory in relation to this phenomenon.
With the passage of time, our priorities shift and we realise what’s really important in life.
Time spent with family and friends is 100% the best way to spend your time.
Sure, you need to work in order to live, but your hours outside work shouldn’t be consumed by how the house looks, or whether the doona on the bed is wrinkled {another of my little previous hissing fit scenarios}
If I fancy going to the club for a beer, sitting on FB all day or even watching a Harry Potter marathon, I do it.
I’m more relaxed, content and less fretful over a million and one things.
Often I bemoan the passage of time.
When it comes to the little things I refer to, I’m pleased the time has woven some sort of magic in my head, because I like being the way I am these days.
It’s far less stressful I can assure you.

In your eyes

anonymum — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 08:50:44 +0000

Someone made a comment recently about how they see themselves.
As is often the way, this prompted a convoluted thought process in my head.
The end result of said process was the conclusion that each of us sees ourselves differently to those around us.
As an example, I see myself as well overweight.
Common sense tells me I’m not, as do many people, but that doesn’t stop the thought entering my head.
{my clothes also have an opinion in this respect, as they tighten just a little more around my belly and butt!!}
How many of us see ourselves in a totally different light to others?
If you did a quick poll, the results would be overwhelming I think.
Every single person alive sees the person they are, differently to others, even their spouse.
Mark constantly tells me how beautiful I am.
My standard response is to let him know he’s not in trouble so there’s no need to butter me up, at which he merely smiles.
This has nothing to do with seeing people through rose coloured glasses.
It’s about how we view ourselves more than anything else.
The person I was speaking to sees themself as flawed and nothing out of the ordinary.
My response to that is they’re seeing the person they are from the outside as opposed to looking inward.
On the inside they’re nowhere near ordinary, as is the case with most people.
How many people do you see from the inside?
Honestly I mean, not just to be nice.
I’m not much into aesthetics {unless you’re talking about the way my blog looks of course!!} so how a person “looks” is quite irrelevant to me.
I don’t care if they have 2 heads, 3 noses on each head with a wart on each of those noses, and only 1 tooth in their head.
If the person inside is worth knowing, them I’m there.
Many don’t think that way.
I appreciate that how a person looks is important to them, because it can do wonders for their self confidence I know, and sure, it’s nice to have something or someone pretty, or even be pretty, but does it seriously make a difference?
Does how you look make so big a difference to your life?
All of us are guilty of putting ourselves down sometimes, me included, I’ll admit and the person in question here is expert at it, something which I regularly take them to task for.
Is society partly to blame?
Let’s be honest, women are made feel fat because clothes are made for stick figures, successful men are portrayed as dashing, well dressed and handsome.
These things can’t help, surely?
To my way of thinking, life is about attitude and what you do, not how you look.
I see little point in being one of the “beautiful” people if the person involved has no ethics or integrity, which seems to be the case many times.
Yes, I like to be, or see others, presentable, but to define presentable is different in most people’s minds.
I would certainly struggle with someone who smells because they don’t wash or use deodorant, but that’s a different thing to how they actually look.
Try and see yourself through the eyes of others and tell me the result.
I mean an honest result too, not one you think I want to hear.
You show me yours and I’ll show you mine.
How does that sound???

Truth

anonymum — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 06:48:21 +0000

As time hurtles by at a speed which is making me dizzy, it rapidly counts down until we leave, and we tell people about our upcoming trip, or others may ask about it.
In general, it’s part of our everyday conversation.
Once again, today someone said to me, “Gee you’re lucky!!!”
To a point I agree with them, but it’s not an agreement made in the same vein they mean it.
I think we’re lucky because we have some wonderful friends to go visit, and the financial means to do it.
They say it in a such a way as to imply good fortune is the reason we’re going.
Let me say right now, it’s not good fortune that we can go.
It’s bloody hard work for 49 weeks of a year, then going without now and then when we pay out nearly 5k in air fares.
At this point you should remember, that’s just from a capital city to Boston, not the domestic flights here in Australia to get wherever it is the flights for America leave from.
Add the travel insurance, stuff we like to prepay before we go {much of it in USD when the conversion rate is absolute crap} the 100 and 1 little things that go with doing these things, everyday living with the accompanying commitments and then tell me we’re lucky.
Are we lucky to have jobs which are reasonably well paid?
We are, but said jobs aren’t kept for no reason.
We still need to put the effort into those well paying jobs, both of which I might add are extremely busy, come with enormous responsibility, and, at times, a hell of a lot of stress.
The truth of the matter is this.
When others were gallivanting around before they got married and had kids, Mark and I were raising kids and trying to make ends meet.
When others were starting to have their families and raise them, we were embroiled in custody battles, with which came a need for survival tactics.
Once others had their kids in primary school we had teenagers, secondary schools and all the associated costs that go with both those things.
We didn’t have baby bonuses to help us with the things kids need, nor did we have family tax benefits to rely on.
All we had were hard work and determination to do the best we could for our kids, trying to make the most of what we had.
We did without brand new homes, furniture, huge TV’s and everything mortal thing that opened and shut.
We had no desire for these things and still don’t.
These days our children are grown, gone and have kids of their own.
We work damned hard for our money and choose to use it for the things others did before they had their families, and there’s where I don’t think it’s good fortune that we’re going.
Good fortune that we have bloody good friends to spend the time with, yes, absolutely, but good fortune that we can actually go?
What a crock of shit.
We can afford to go because we work damned hard and are prepared to go without flash furniture, cars and big screen TV’s.
We could have all the above, but we think what we’re going to have for 3 weeks is worth more than any piece of furniture or electronic gadget.
Do we go without nice things and a few extras here and there?
No.
Do we work hard to not go without and still be able to go overseas for a few weeks?
Fuck yes!
Quite besides which, last year is the first real holiday we’ve ever had.
In the almost 15 years we’ve been together, last year is the first time ever we did something we wanted to do.
How about this?
Next time someone tells you they’re going overseas for a few weeks, why don’t you try saying “Good for you, you’ve worked bloody hard for it” as opposed to “Gee, how lucky are you???”
Lucky is winning the lottery to afford the things I speak of.
Determination and working hard to do things that mean something to you is an entirely different kettle of fish.
On the surface it may seem lucky and glamorous, however it’s not quite so simplistic when you examine it.

In my heart

anonymum — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 00:35:03 +0000

As I’m home sick, I’ve been trawling some archives today, in a place that is not only close to my heart, but one of the very first blogs I encountered.
I originally visited on the recommendation of a blogger who not only owns the very first blog I ever heard of, but one who just happens to be my eldest daughter.
Yes, I do have a point relevant to the title of this post.
Stay with me here.
Humour me?
Now, as I trawled the archives of the place in question today, a thought occurred to me.
{Not only did it occur to me, it prompted an email to the blog owner in relation to an ongoing conversation we’ve been having recently, but that’s another story. I digress again, sorry!}
Some 4 years ago this blog was born.
Well, not this one specifically, but my blog, as a whole.
What was it about this odd pastime that appealed to me?
Was it having somewhere to say what I wanted without fearing retribution regardless of the topic, the ability it gave me to say things I felt I needed to say, no matter how ridiculous or deranged they sound {which is quite often BTW!!} or did it have a larger, more complicated purpose?
This blog has bought to me and mine some of the most wonderful people you could ever wish to have in your life, other friends I’ve never met, yet still I consider them friends, because that’s just what blogging does.
It creates community and solidarity regardless of distance, geography or anything else.
I like that.
The next thought that occurs to me is, do I see this as perhaps a validation?
Do I want it reinforced that what I have to say is important to others, rather than just myself?
That was dismissed as quickly as it entered my head because let’s be honest, I don’t give a flying fuck what other people think of, or about me, now do I??
Several other silly other ideas on the subject entered my head, then it hit me.
Here I can say what’s in my heart.
Yes, my head plays a part in that because it’s my brain which forms the words, but when I look back on the posts that actually meant something to me as opposed to merely throwing thoughts out of my head because it’s cluttered, every last one of them came from deep in my heart.
What fascinates the most about this revelation is that I’m normally a very private person when it comes to things that are close and personal.
I’m not comfortable wearing my heart on my sleeve and yet here, on my blog, I find it easier.
Is that because things seem less real when they’re written as opposed to spoken?
Less painful or distressing?
Saying what’s in my heart does not come easily to me, other than to those near and dearest to me, and even then, it takes time for me to find the words I need, and the inclination to say them as well.
Over the last 4 years I’ve said more here about what’s in my heart than I have anywhere else in my entire life.
I don’t suggest it’s been easy to find the words, but when it’s mattered most to me, they’ve been there for me to find.
So many bloggers do what I’ve done today.
Wonder what it’s all about in a similar manner to when they contemplate what life is all about.
I know this because I’ve seen the posts.
It’s a question that vexes many.
For me, I have the answer.
It may be a surprising answer, but at least now, I have one.
Amazing how sometimes we don’t know we actually had a question, until we find an answer that resonates isn’t it?

Sentimentality

anonymum — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 05:57:51 +0000

Sentimentality is ordinarily a good thing.
It provides a warm fuzzy feeling that is different to anything else, plus, you have sentimental feelings at the oddest moments in your life.
A smell as you walk down the street could be the trigger, the colour of someone’s hair in the supermarket, or even in a restaurant where you might order a particular dish you remember from childhood.
They all have the ability to send your mind off on a sentimental journey, where everything is warm and good.
A place you feel no harm can ever befall you.
Then there are times when sentiment can be maybe, not so good.
Love is a powerful emotion, and it’s possible that sentiment can perhaps cloud your judgment when it comes to matters of the heart?
These are the times when sentiment can be an enemy.
If you know a relationship isn’t good for you, yet you stay because you remember with sentiment all the fuzzy feelings that relationship evoked when it was new, surely that can’t be good for you?
Or staying in a bad marriage because you have children.
Again, it’s not healthy, and let’s be honest.
To stay for the sake of the children does noone any good, least of all the children involved, yet sentiment has the ability to cloud our common sense.
It’s not only people I refer to when I talk about sentiment either.
Why hang onto that old heap of junk car that needs work done to it every other week because it hold so many memories?
How often have you heard people say “Oh, I should get a new one, but this one holds so much meaning for me. I remember when I went here/there {wherever} with John/Mary {whoever} and we had the best time!”
Add another 30 or 40 little snippets to that scenario and you have a potential death trap simply because sentiment clouds our thinking.
Don’t get me wrong, I can be as sentimental as the next person {if truth be known, most times more so} and I do think it’s a good thing, but not when it comes to our mental or physical health.
There comes a time when regardless of how hard it is to let go of something, we just have to do it is my opinion.
Maybe something to chew over do you think?

Before anyone puts 2 and 2 together and arrives at 83, this doesn’t refer to anyone or anything.
It’s merely the rambling of a near delusional mind as I sit here with a raging temperature, trying to sweat this damned bug out

Sometimes I wonder

anonymum — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 00:08:52 +0000

What is life about?
Why are we here?
Is there something after we lose consciousness for the last time?
Why must people make things more complicated than they need to be?
How do pedophiles sleep at night?
What the hell is in suicide bombers heads?
If I had my time over, what, if anything, would I change?
What do babies really think when people goo and gaa at them?
What makes old people think being old, gives them the right to be rude and obnoxious?
Why does my body clock insist on waking me before 6.00am on the weekends?
What drives us to be the best we can?
Given the amount of people in the world, what were the odds of not only finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, but having them feel the same way?
Which is better, burial or cremation?
Why can’t the world learn to get along despite having different views on how to do things?
Why do good people always have less than they deserve, and slime have everything?
With a head that goes from one thing to another in this manner, is it any wonder I have trouble falling asleep at night?

It’s been hard work

anonymum — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 01:16:36 +0000

Some 8 years ago, we decided we needed a sea change.
At the time we had no idea of where we wanted to go, but had enough trust in fate to know somewhere would present itself when the time was right.
The only thing we knew for sure was it needed to be near the water because we both love it so much.
That was the only set criteria we had.
A year or so after the decision was made, we came to Townsville in order to spend Christmas with 2 of the girls and one grandchild.
After less than 24 hours of being here, we knew.
This is it.
This was where we wanted to be.
It wasn’t only the tropical weather {although that played a big part} it was the more laid back life style, the beaches, just the general feel of the the place.
We felt comfortable, the price of living was reasonable, plus there was a small part of family here, so that was a bonus.
If we’d found somewhere that had no family and felt as comfortable, we would have moved there though.
That family were here was just a bonus.
One of us had to stay behind and keep earning a living while the other went forth to the unknown in order to get a job and establish some sort of base for us, so Mark packed some clothes, hired a car and set off for Queensland.
He stayed with the aforementioned family and set about doing just that.
It took a while, but he got one.
7 months later, I threw my high paying job in, he flew down and collected me and enough stuff to give us a start.
What we bought with us fitted into a 7 x 5 trailer, and it was the bare basics.
We had no intention of spending what money we had on removalists, so we sold, gave away or left behind what we thought we could do without.
Some we put into storage, but not a lot.
It took me 8 months to get a job.
8 long months where we made do with 5 parts of bugger all money, car payments and rent to pay, and still had a need to eat, buy petrol and cigarettes, all the things that go into life.
Since I got that first job, I’ve had another 3 jobs, and I’m into my 4th.
Mark has had just as many, if not more, and finally…finally, we’re back where we started 7 years ago, just before we left Sydney.
We have good, secure, well paying jobs, and in fact Mark has just gotten a promotion and a decent pay rise, I’m a manager in a job I love, and life is on an even keel.
I can assure you, it has not been easy for the last 7 years.
It’s been bloody hard work.
We’ve had to borrow money from our family, and at times, from our children.
There have been times when we’ve come close to separating because of the stress, we’ve fought and argued, and we’ve almost ripped each other apart.
Yet, we persisted, because it’s just what we do.
It’s life, it’s marriage and it was a choice we made, with our eyes wide open.
We wanted to do it.
Would I recommend doing this to anyone else?
Hell yes.
There has been the odd moment when I wondered about our intelligence I have to say, but would I do it all again?
In a heart beat!!!