OrganiSed Chaos » feelings

Peace of mind

anonymum — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 23:46:33 +0000

This is doubtlessly obscure for many, however, those involved will know, and from where I sit, that’s enough.

For some time life on both work and personal levels has been odd.
It’s not been horrendous, but it’s not been right either.
Disjointed comes immediately to mind if I was to describe the feeling in a single word.
It’s not been just one thing though, it’s more the culmination of several situations, both professionally and personally.
The things I speak of have created uncertainty, dismay, bewilderment, pain and a feeling of helplessness due mainly to them being out of our control, and a dependency on others.
Yes, we’ve had 2 brilliant holidays, our health is good and we’ve had many, many good things happen, but these have always had shadows on them.
While these shadows haven’t tarnished the good things, there has been some looking over our shoulders and wondering where it would all end.
I’m pleased to say, this week much has been resolved on all levels.
On the personal side of the coin, events have not only surprised us, they have also bought a level of contentment, an inner peace, smiles, and tears.
At work, much uncertainty has been removed, many more things are clear in our future and we can see much of what life will have to offer in that regard.
We can now move forward with a purpose in both environments.
Where previously we were struggling to see beyond dark clouds stretching endlessly, now the sky is clear and blue with the promise of only better things to come.
To those who are aware of these things, I know you will be discreet in your comments.
For others, be happy and smile for us?
It’s rare in my life I’ve been free of at least one situation guaranteed to create a dark spot.
As I write today, I can say there’s not one to be seen.
My hope is it will stay that way, but even if it doesn’t, I’ll always be able to look back to today and smile.
Peace of mind is something we all desire, and I have every intention of embracing it while it’s there.
I have high hopes of being able to embrace it for quite some time too.
Can you hear the contented sigh?
I’m thinking you can, because it’s quite emphatic.
I hope your weekend has been as kind to you as mine has to me.
Enjoy what you have left of it as I intend to enjoy mine.

An invisible neon sign

anonymum — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 03:04:20 +0000

It would seem I have an invisible neon sign on my head.
Problem here is I’m the only one it’s invisible to.
I say that because apparently it’s quite clear to almost every one of the following people:

Froot loops who travel on any form of public transport.
Those who eye you off from a distance with a decided look of distrust for around 30 seconds,then…….BAM!
They’re sitting beside you sprouting forth garbage which would make no sense to anyone, in a low, guttural tone designed to make every hair on your body stand up, and will have you checking the bed for a horses head before you get in at night.

Those who have no friends {in Oz we refer to this type as a Neville Nobody}
These are the people who smell like socks or jocks that have never been changed, or how I imagine a camels arse would smell {should I ever have any desire to get close to one that is!}
Wonder if it ever occurs to them this is why they have no friends??
I seriously doubt it.

God botherers.
Now, I’m not an overly religious person, but neither am I an atheist. Having said that, it amuses me no end how there are many who would accost you in the street to assure you the end is nigh, Jesus is on their left shoulder, and that if I don’t repent right now, my soul will be lost forever {I generally give them a heads up that sometimes the thought of eternal rest appeals to me, my soul was lost many years ago, and the devil on my right shoulder is gonna kick their Jesus’s arse!}
I don’t need to be lectured by some holier than thou twerp on my spiritual beliefs, but they seemingly think I need guidance

Even in supermarkets I seem to attract people who have no desire to do anything other than whinge about grocery prices, the lack of customer service, and have an apparent need to impart stories of days gone by where they could not only shop but enjoy it, and how their very last chook keeled over and now they have need to buy eggs for the first time in 20 years.

I’m not entirely sure why they think I could give 2 hoots or a rats arse, but I’ll tell you this.
As soon as I can get my hands on that damned neon sign, I’m going to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine on the next moron who decides my face is one that welcomes any drop kick, loser or mealy mouthed twerp I come across!

Beacons

anonymum — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 00:05:08 +0000

Of late my mind is quite strange.
I can hear some people saying this is perfectly normal for me, to them I would say screw you, that’s not what I mean and you know it!

I’m referring not so much to my state of mind, but rather how it’s been going off on it’s own little tangents without any warning.
Today it’s firmly entrenched in what I refer to as life altering times.
Moments of clarity which stay with you forever, and have the ability to change your entire life or the way you think, whether you want to or not.
These are moments that force changes, sometimes good, others not so good.
I’ll admit life is in a constant state of change for most people, and in that respect, I’m no different.
I am grateful that as a person I’m able to adapt to these things.
If we couldn’t adapt, we would drown in life itself I believe.
I’ve had many moments of clarity in my life, and every one of those moments is as clear today as the day they happened, so I thought to share just a few of the most important ones with you.
These are not in chronological order, they’re more in one of impact.
Obviously, the very first thing that comes to mind is the death of my mother.
There are few events in a 13 year old’s life which would have the impact this did.
Her death set off a chain of events that essentially shaped the rest of my life, because I can assure you, as a female, growing from a teenager to an adult without a mother to guide you is at best, difficult.
You have noone to point you in the right direction, nor anyone to advise you what’s right and wrong morally or physically, so the chance of making mistakes is higher than average.
My biggest regret, other than the obvious loss, is doubtlessly missing out on seeing her with my children and in turn, their children.
Enough said on that one I think.
Second in line is another death, that of my grandfather.
Although I only had him for a short time {6 1/2 years} it was long enough to create a bond that has, in my heart, lasted to today, and in fact I can still conjure the feeling of safety he engendered in me.
Yes I’ll freely admit, I miss him badly even though he’s been gone for 46 years {that’s absolutely the little girl talking there isn’t it??}
My father remarrying so early after the death of my mother {6 months later} is once again, an event that helped shape the rest of my life.
I refuse to go into details, suffice to say at {many} times, it’s been a decidedly unpleasant scenario, one which continues even today and still impacts on the relationship I have with my father.
It goes without saying the births of my children were 100% life altering, and again, still effects my life every single day, but in a good way, as I’m sure every parent would agree it does.
As a parent, we see our children as our babies, regardless of age, however, if you seriously want to see them as adults, watch them give birth.
Mark and I were privileged to be present when Zoe was born, and in fact I cut her cord, but I can assure you, it is not something I am in any hurry to repeat!
My pride in seeing how Kelly dealt with childbirth knows no bounds, however it was a moment of clarity like no other.
No more could I ever think of her as a girl.
She was, from that moment forward, without doubt, a woman.
Yes, she is still my little girl in some ways because they always need their mother {as did I many times through my life} but she’s not my little girl any more.
Quite contradictory I know, but truthful all the same.
It was no different other than the geography when Tasha and Melissa became mothers.
No more were they my babies.
With babies of their own, they were no longer apprentice people as I see young adults.
They were fully fledged.
I believe watching our children grow presents most of our life altering times.
It gives us an insight into how our parents felt watching us grow, and it it also gives us a greater appreciation of what our parents did in times which were not easy by today’s standards, and in some cases, the sacrifices they made.
In my adult life, besides the girls becoming mothers, the one thing that stands out head and shoulders above everything else is the day I met Mark.
I can recall every single detail and word from that day almost 16 years ago.
You want to talk about life altering, well let me tell you, I cannot begin to describe the difference it’s made to my life.
The good that has come from not only meeting, but marrying him?
Not possible to list them all here.
He is my sun, moon and stars and I love him beyond reason, no matter what.
Other things that come to mind are far away people I’ve met in recent years.
I credit these people with many positive things in my life as well.
A new way of thinking, seeing and believing are but some of the off shoots, and again, I couldn’t begin to tell you the ways this has shaped my life of late.
There have been more but the ones I have here are the big ones, those which have had the biggest impact.
Feel free to voice some of the beacons in your life, but please don’t feel obligated.
To speak of these things is not easy as I well know, but my mind has been rampant with them lately, and I needed to get them out there in the hope it will silence my mind.
I hope your weekend is treating you as well as mine is being to me.

Passage of time

anonymum — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 01:27:58 +0000

Does anyone else find their mind set changing as they age?
Over time I find many things different.
The blog is the very first one that comes to mind.
I know it’s had several make overs, but that’s not what I’m referring to.
It began as somewhere to have fun, curse, swear, get up on my soap box and generally run amuck, which is what I used to do.
These days, not so much.
Overall the tone has changed.
There is less swearing, less ranting, and yes, I’ll admit there is less posting as well, but I think we all know about the trying to find a life thing {let me add here, it is doing some good too}
My posts these days seem less frantic, come from deeper than they used to, are more controlled and far better written {well I think so anyway, and that’s what counts I guess}
My attitude towards many things has changed too.
Certainly my thoughts and tolerance level for idiots or morons haven’t changed,and I’m still inclined to tell them exactly what they are, but many other things seem different in my minds eye.
When I say that, I refer to what now seems silly things.
Happenings and scenarios seemingly designed to drive me insane no longer bother me.
At all.
I shrug and say, whatever.
It’s more difficult to anger, upset or annoy me.
Some things will never change, I know.
For instance I still see no need for ignorance, arrogance or bad manners, but those are, I think, universal and not unique to an individual because they’re sociological issues.
I mean more {what are now} trivial matters.
No longer does it matter how the towels are folded, the washing goes on the line, no more colour coordinating pegs with clothes {yes, i really did do that!!!} tea towels and pillow slips don’t need to be ironed, if I miss doing a few dishes, the roof does not cave in, and when someone says “I need to talk to you” I no longer think “Shit, what did I do???” I’m more inclined to look forward to what they have to say.
These are but a few of the scenarios that would, at one time not so long ago, have driven me mad!
I can still be pedantic in the kitchen because there are right and wrong ways to do things, at times I still have the odd flare of temper, but the difference now is I lean towards being a little more understanding of how people do or say things.
I’m absolutely no less sensitive to some words or things said and done to me, but I’m less likely to crack it when they’re said or done.
Maybe it’s something that happens with age?
I’m not suggesting I’ve turned into an old fogey, don’t get me wrong, but I do have a theory in relation to this phenomenon.
With the passage of time, our priorities shift and we realise what’s really important in life.
Time spent with family and friends is 100% the best way to spend your time.
Sure, you need to work in order to live, but your hours outside work shouldn’t be consumed by how the house looks, or whether the doona on the bed is wrinkled {another of my little previous hissing fit scenarios}
If I fancy going to the club for a beer, sitting on FB all day or even watching a Harry Potter marathon, I do it.
I’m more relaxed, content and less fretful over a million and one things.
Often I bemoan the passage of time.
When it comes to the little things I refer to, I’m pleased the time has woven some sort of magic in my head, because I like being the way I am these days.
It’s far less stressful I can assure you.

In your eyes

anonymum — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 08:50:44 +0000

Someone made a comment recently about how they see themselves.
As is often the way, this prompted a convoluted thought process in my head.
The end result of said process was the conclusion that each of us sees ourselves differently to those around us.
As an example, I see myself as well overweight.
Common sense tells me I’m not, as do many people, but that doesn’t stop the thought entering my head.
{my clothes also have an opinion in this respect, as they tighten just a little more around my belly and butt!!}
How many of us see ourselves in a totally different light to others?
If you did a quick poll, the results would be overwhelming I think.
Every single person alive sees the person they are, differently to others, even their spouse.
Mark constantly tells me how beautiful I am.
My standard response is to let him know he’s not in trouble so there’s no need to butter me up, at which he merely smiles.
This has nothing to do with seeing people through rose coloured glasses.
It’s about how we view ourselves more than anything else.
The person I was speaking to sees themself as flawed and nothing out of the ordinary.
My response to that is they’re seeing the person they are from the outside as opposed to looking inward.
On the inside they’re nowhere near ordinary, as is the case with most people.
How many people do you see from the inside?
Honestly I mean, not just to be nice.
I’m not much into aesthetics {unless you’re talking about the way my blog looks of course!!} so how a person “looks” is quite irrelevant to me.
I don’t care if they have 2 heads, 3 noses on each head with a wart on each of those noses, and only 1 tooth in their head.
If the person inside is worth knowing, them I’m there.
Many don’t think that way.
I appreciate that how a person looks is important to them, because it can do wonders for their self confidence I know, and sure, it’s nice to have something or someone pretty, or even be pretty, but does it seriously make a difference?
Does how you look make so big a difference to your life?
All of us are guilty of putting ourselves down sometimes, me included, I’ll admit and the person in question here is expert at it, something which I regularly take them to task for.
Is society partly to blame?
Let’s be honest, women are made feel fat because clothes are made for stick figures, successful men are portrayed as dashing, well dressed and handsome.
These things can’t help, surely?
To my way of thinking, life is about attitude and what you do, not how you look.
I see little point in being one of the “beautiful” people if the person involved has no ethics or integrity, which seems to be the case many times.
Yes, I like to be, or see others, presentable, but to define presentable is different in most people’s minds.
I would certainly struggle with someone who smells because they don’t wash or use deodorant, but that’s a different thing to how they actually look.
Try and see yourself through the eyes of others and tell me the result.
I mean an honest result too, not one you think I want to hear.
You show me yours and I’ll show you mine.
How does that sound???

Comfort in silence

anonymum — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 18:41:45 +0000

So we’re home.
In some ways that’s a good thing, in others, not so good.
There is much running rampant in my head as I type.
So much to say, yet I struggle to verbalise my true feelings.
The last 3 weeks have been a total blur of good food, lots of fun, laughter, some fabulous places visited, deep discussions about many things, and the odd bout of tears, but mostly it’s simply been good friends enjoying each others company.
There were moments of silence now and then, with noone feeling any need to fill them with inane chatter and it was those moments when it would hit me exactly how comfortable we all were with each other.
It also brought to the surface a raft of questions as to how it became what it is, between people from opposite sides of the world.
As is my way, I chose not to question it too closely.
I for one find comfort in silence, whether I’m with others or alone.
Silence surrounds me as I do this post, and thus the reason for rampant thoughts.
Silence has a way of making me reflect on not only life, but how good it’s been to me in so very many ways.
It gives me time to be grateful for the many blessings I have, and for the wonderful people it’s bought me.
Immediately after those thoughts comes the realisation that this is what it’s all about.
The people.
Life isn’t about the material possessions or money you accumulate in your time, it’s about the quality of the people you encounter.
How many people do you know measure the success of their lives in material and financial gains?
Off the top of my head, without even thinking about it, I would say at least a dozen.
The same people I refer to are driven to enhance their lives with “things”.
I’m not much into “things”.
What means the most to me are gifts from the heart, and I bought many of them back from Boston with me yesterday.
An extra special silver tin is one that comes immediately to mind.
I worked out a long time ago that money doesn’t make you happy, it merely makes your passage through life easier.
The things that make you content simply cannot be bought.
Yes, you need to work in order to enjoy some of those things, but in my mind that only helps you appreciate them more.
How do you put a price on good friends and the quality time you spend with them?
You can’t.
Try and put a price on the comfortable silence I speak of.
You can’t.
Tell me the worth of a gift given purely through love.
I repeat. You can’t.
Yes, there is indeed much comfort to be had in silence.

From our hearts to yours

anonymum — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 20:30:30 +0000

As the sun sets on our time in Boston, much occurs to me.
The arrival was bumpy and emotional, our time here brilliant, the departure tearful and emotional.
Nothing more and nothing less than we thought it would be.
Although this post was done and scheduled before we left, I knew what the departure was going to be before we even got here.
As we did last year, we would have clung to each other long and hard.
Tears were flowing, and turning away from you all to go through that damned gate would have been one of the hardest things we’ve ever had to do.
All these things we knew before we even left Australia.
We know we’ll be back, we know we’ll see you in a year, but knowing these things doesn’t prepare any of us for the actual going.
Michael and Pamela, we thank you deeply for not only your hospitality, and the willingness you displayed to accommodate us, we also thank you for the love you so willingly shared with us.
Your home is warm, welcoming, loving and embracing, because it’s the way the people who live there are.
I could write 150 paragraphs and it still would not express the way we feel or what these things mean to us.
I have a feeling you both know all the same though.
Every single thing we did and said is a seperate memory which will last forever, from good meals, to the time in NH, to the late night laughs on your back deck.
Each of these are forever in our hearts and minds to be used as required when we’re missing you.
Knowing Mark and I as I do, let me assure you, that will be not only frequently, but more likely daily.
I have no idea what plan the universe had in mind when it decided we were to cross paths, but I do know it was a good thing.
An absolutely wonderful thing, and one that is meant to be cherished every time we have the opportunity.
To Sarah, Jenna, and Hannah also goes much love.
Once again, your willingness to share your parents in the most unselfish way possible is appreciated more than I can say.
Please know we see the 3 of you as part of our extended family, and we’re as proud of our adopted daughters as we are of our born ones.
Jon, your company was delightful also. I only wish there had been more time to spend with you, because I’m sure there is much more fun we could have.
To the 6 of you, a deep thank you is being said all the way from Boston to Townsville.
From our hearts to yours, again we thank you, and please remember.
We love you all very much and look forward with much anticipation to the next time we can be together.
Fly our Aussies flags high and proud until we come back will you please?
Hannah, look after your hat!

{{{hugs for you all}}}
Moe and Mark

Inaccessible

anonymum — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 02:00:55 +0000

As I laze on the back deck of some very special friends, it occurs to me just how relaxed both Mark and I are.
Not once have we spoken about work, home, problems, or indeed anything close to serious, stressful or problematic.
We’re content to stay home and putter around the house, him doing a few bits and pieces, me cooking now and again.
Neither of us are in a hurry to say or do anything, go anywhere other than where and when it takes our fancy, if it takes our fancy.
I appreciate this is what holidays are for, though having said that, the next thought I have makes me wonder why it is we need to travel 10,000k’s in order to achieve this level of relaxation.
Is life so bad on a day to day basis that we feel need to run away as far as we can?
Immediately the answer comes to me, and it’s no.
We have a good life, a brilliant family, fabulous friends and enough money to enjoy all of these things regardless of distance.
Being so far away is the key we decided.
We’re inaccessible to the things that can derail our holidays.
If anything goes wrong at work, when we’re on leave, if we’re at home, or even in Australia, we’re still accessible should we be needed.
Here we’re not.
Sure they can send an email or a text, but there is literally no chance of being called in to work.
Whilst it may sound ridiculous, in the positions we hold, it’s more than possible we can be called back to fix, sort or make sense of something considered managements responsibility.
As we’re both management, it’s certainly not beyond the realms of possibility and we both know that.
I know there is always family to consider, but I can guarantee you, there is not one of them who would consider asking us to go home early short of a major disaster {God forbid!}
Besides, we try hard to stay accessible to them anyway, be it by email, text message or even FB messages should we need to.
Inaccessible?
To work yes, to home, never.
P.S This post took the better part of all day to do because I needed a 3 hour nap in between doing it.
This from someone who never naps.
Relaxed much do you think??

Sentimentality

anonymum — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 05:57:51 +0000

Sentimentality is ordinarily a good thing.
It provides a warm fuzzy feeling that is different to anything else, plus, you have sentimental feelings at the oddest moments in your life.
A smell as you walk down the street could be the trigger, the colour of someone’s hair in the supermarket, or even in a restaurant where you might order a particular dish you remember from childhood.
They all have the ability to send your mind off on a sentimental journey, where everything is warm and good.
A place you feel no harm can ever befall you.
Then there are times when sentiment can be maybe, not so good.
Love is a powerful emotion, and it’s possible that sentiment can perhaps cloud your judgment when it comes to matters of the heart?
These are the times when sentiment can be an enemy.
If you know a relationship isn’t good for you, yet you stay because you remember with sentiment all the fuzzy feelings that relationship evoked when it was new, surely that can’t be good for you?
Or staying in a bad marriage because you have children.
Again, it’s not healthy, and let’s be honest.
To stay for the sake of the children does noone any good, least of all the children involved, yet sentiment has the ability to cloud our common sense.
It’s not only people I refer to when I talk about sentiment either.
Why hang onto that old heap of junk car that needs work done to it every other week because it hold so many memories?
How often have you heard people say “Oh, I should get a new one, but this one holds so much meaning for me. I remember when I went here/there {wherever} with John/Mary {whoever} and we had the best time!”
Add another 30 or 40 little snippets to that scenario and you have a potential death trap simply because sentiment clouds our thinking.
Don’t get me wrong, I can be as sentimental as the next person {if truth be known, most times more so} and I do think it’s a good thing, but not when it comes to our mental or physical health.
There comes a time when regardless of how hard it is to let go of something, we just have to do it is my opinion.
Maybe something to chew over do you think?

Before anyone puts 2 and 2 together and arrives at 83, this doesn’t refer to anyone or anything.
It’s merely the rambling of a near delusional mind as I sit here with a raging temperature, trying to sweat this damned bug out

Determination

anonymum — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 10:16:52 +0000

“The ability to see past challenge rather than stare at it”
This is going to be my new mantra, because the next 23 days will be just that.
A challenge.
I’m already like a maggot on a BBQ, jumping all over the place, and it’s only going to get worse from here on in.
We badly need a holiday, and yes, we know we’re going to have one, but we also know the last few weeks before we go are the worst.
It seems to take forever to pass, and that in turn makes us restless.
This is not good, because there is still much we need to do on a few fronts, the very first of which is work {yes, that dreaded 4 lettered word}
The restless feeling is not a new one.
We were exactly the same around this time last year, and even though we’re prepared for that restless period, being prepared doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
It’s been quite the year for us one way an another, and an emotional one.
Sick children, work problems, stock takes, seeing people mourn and having to watch helplessly while people we care about suffer through these things has been particularly difficult.
Now, whilst it could be construed as life in general, I think we all know, rarely is it so simple when it comes to the actual doing, and living through it.
Time will seem to drag for the next 23 days, and that will almost drive me mad, but determination will stand me in good stead, I’m sure.
I just want the tiredness to seep away, to be able to relax, and spend time with some fabulous friends, so determination will be needed if I’m to get done what needs to be done before we leave.
Right now I’m off to pay for some travel insurance, so that’s step 1 in my plan.
I’ll play the rest by ear, so let’s hope my ears are listening!