OrganiSed Chaos

Monday.
Again.
Already.
Hmmmm.
If that’s the case it’s time to laugh amid that hilarity know as Malarky Monday, when myself Mark, ~m and DILLIGAF conspire with the thought of your smile foremost in our minds.
Last week it was all about the links, this week it’s a reminder.
A reminder that they walk among us.
Who, I hear you ask?
Dicks of course.
Idiots, morons, wankers, and those who nothing more than just plain fricking stupid!
Check out this lot.
Makes a person wonder where the hell these people’s heads were.
I’m thinking up their arse, but I could be wrong.
I doubt it, because it’s more than possible I’m right, as I’m also sure you will agree once you read these.

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.
‘You don’t?’ I replied.
‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.
‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’
‘That’s right.’
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

2. I was checking out at the supermarket with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’
I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’
She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’

4. Several years ago, there was an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.
{remember this is a person who wants to be a doctor!!! scary huh??}

5. Recently there was a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
‘Do you need some help?’ she was asked.
She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’
‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’
‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys over.
As the keys were taken and the door was manually unlocked, it was suggested she you drive over there and check about the batteries, given she was obviously so damned tired!!
{no, she was not blonde, but the brunette colour did suggest false intelligence I’m thinking}

Life is tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!
Oh yes.
They walk among us, so be afraid.
Be very, very afraid!

Indeed, it’s that time of the week when myself, Michael, Mark and DILLIGAF band together trying to titillate, tempt and tease you into some of the wittier little snippets life has to offer.
My first offering this week is some word play.
I’ve always said there are some very clever people in the world, and this merely serves to reinforce that notion.
Gotta love people with imagination, yes?
Alternate words.

In the middle we have a couple of images that had me spitting coffee over my laptop screen.


A joke about the most maligned little boy in the world.
Little Johhny!
Little Johnny came home one day and said to his mother:
“Mum! Peter next door has a penis like a peanut”
Mum replies:
“You mean shaped like a peanut?”
“No, it’s salty”
Finally, some insults for when the human race is pissing you up the wall.
1. I’m glad you’re short. It gives me less to complain about.
2. You don’t have a mother: Two dads and a chemistry set don’t count.
3. You’re so stupid, you’d asked for a price check at the $1.00 store.
4. Q. Have you ever seen a jackass wrapped in plastic?
A. Show me your license.
5. If I needed any shit from you I’d squeeze your head.
6. I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my arse!
Don’t forget to go visit my fellow makers of chaos and malarky, and always remember.
We’re laughing at you, not with you.
Have a great week peoples.

Yes, tis that time again.
When myself, Mark, ~m, and our latest addition DILLIGAF make an attempt to put a smile on your dial for the rest of the week.
This week, in the spirit of Christmas, I thought I would find some inspirational little ditties to help you get through the season, and the obligatory Santa pic at the bottom {you know you want him! admit it!}
Feel free to use these as you will.
You just never know when the time will be right for one of these rippers!

This week Malarky Monday is brought to you by the Christmas fairy.

He may not be a happy Christmas fairy, but he is a Christmas fairy all the same.
Also, we have a guest appearance for you to giggle over!
DILLIGAF has graciously agreed to join the mayhem that is MM, and has an absolute blinder for us!
I nearly bloody choked when I heard this, and it gives the 12 days of Christmas a whole new meaning, trust me!
Please be warned though.
This is strictly adult content.
Do NOT have your kids around when you play this video
As always we have the other contributors to MM in Mark, ~m, Grimm and {maybe} Muffy.
Onto my small contribution to the madness we all hope makes you at least smile, and if we’re extra lucky, we’ll hear a damned good belly laugh.
Given Christmas is almost upon us, I’ll stick with the seasonal snippets because there are just so many of them around.
Trying to pick the ones to post was my problem, and I can only hope you enjoy them.
To start with, the only word for this is awesome!
It’s bloody well done, so take the time to have a look.
{Thanks Pam!}

The obligatory funnies are next.

There are some who do the BAH HUMBUG! thing at Christmas.
Not mentioning any names though, you all know who you are.

So, in the spirit of the Grinch, for MM this week, I have a few little Christmassy notes you can jot down and refer to when you’re doing your shopping, a couple of jpegs that took my fancy, and are certainly not in the spirit of Christmas, plus a little surprise at the bottom.
Once you’re done here, don’t forget to visit my fellow funsters in Mark, ~m, Muffy and Grimm.
Now, without further ado, we’re off to the races!
Shopping list:
1. A bottle of wHine is a great last minute gift for those who are constantly at it
2. If you have a brain explosion and decide to buy that C class benz with the huge red ribbon for someone, get them the cute ribbon collared puppy as well. With a bit of luck it will shit on the drivers seat.
3. When people ask what you want for Christmas, tell them you want everyone to stop asking dumb arsed questions.
4. For the one relative who seems to always expect the perfect gift, a giant bottle of disappointment will be sure to have them crying in their wHine. After all, an expectation does invite a disappointment
5. The ultimate gift however is the huge meltdown that always seems to happen on Christmas eve because of the pressure. You can give that one to yourself! You’ve earned it after all the shit you’ve been through in the last 2 weeks.

These 2 pics had me chuckling to myself, and I can only hope they amuse you as well.

These final ones are for those people who think Christmas holds nothing but crap, cos neither of these are crap, trust me!

Monday mayhem is about to begin once again.
I won’t go on too much this week, other than to say, do yourself a favor and watch this.
I’m a bit of a closet Muppets fan, I am a HUGE Queen fan, and Bohemian Rhapsody is one of my all time favourite songs.
{I think I like it because trying to imagine the cocktail of drugs there were on is so much fun! }
When I came across this I howled with laughter so hard I nearly wet myself, and, of course, my first thought was MM.
This is just too good not to share with everyone.
Settle in for the ride, and once you’re done, don’t forget to visit my fellow malarkiers {is that actually a word??}
Mark, ~m, Muffy and Grimm