All at sea
Monday, March 10th, 2008You ever feel like you’re drifting?
Floating from one wave to another, tripping from one cloud to another, wondering when they’ll tumble from under you and then be able to feel the helplessness of falling and not finding anything to grasp. That frantic realisation you can’t arrest the drop?
That’s me lately.
For some months all was pink and rosy, kicking along nicely. A few little annoyances, but nothing too hard. All was well with the world.
It fooled me! Calm before the storm.
Email disowned me, phone has been {and still is} down, work has been crazy, still trying to learn, taking on more and more, finding out glass ISN’T glass. If only it were that simple! Weddings on the horizon, dresses to be found and ordered, new baby due within a few weeks. This pregnancy has produced the same problems as last time so amongst all of this part of my mind has been in Victoria. A part of me mourns not being able to hold her hand now and again. Another part has been with one who made a huge move, away from those who have loved her since she was born, taking another much loved little girl with her. We miss them so much it’s like a physical pain at times. Hot on the heels of that pain is the soothing thought of the happiness they now have in their lives. Well deserved happiness. A rosy glow that has been sorely missing from their lives for some time.
The bitter sweet taste of being a parent. One thinks they become accustomed to the taste. Not at all. Being a parent is a life long commitment regardless of age or distance. Part of you is always with them. A small part of your heart goes where they go. A small part of you goes where they go.
Storms inside me, refusing to be quelled. Searching for some type of peace, but seemingly missing by a country mile.
I’m not one to wear my heart on my sleeve a lot ordinarily, and I’m trying hard not to here. I have other places for that and need to utilise them to their fullest extent.
I may be scarce on the ground here for a few days, and I apologise in advance. I have things I need to do, that cannot be done here.
I will bounce back from this downer. It doesn’t generally last too long, but it can be painful at times. I don’t want to turn this place into a dark, miserable hole.
I do however, need to shake this feeling. I know what’s caused it, but am still struggling to admit what will fix it.
I need to stop fighting it.
Baby steps. Itty bitty baby steps.
