It was HUGE I tell you
Saturday, February 16th, 2008There are few things in life I’m afraid of. The obvious things of course, losing my husband or one of the girls, grandkids, that type of thing.
It’s the others I’m referring to here. Of all the things in the world, only 3 things scare the absolute bejesus out of me.
In no particular order, they are: Heights, thunder {yes thunder, and yes I know it’s only a noise, I’ve heard it all} and the worst of all?
SPIDERS
Nothing makes my blood run colder than the very sight of a spider! I don’t give a rats arse how big, small, harmless or venomous, I hate them all equally. The only good spider is a dead spider and that’s it as far as I’m concerned.
Now, when I put it down in words like this, it sounds ridiculous even to me! I’ve had guns {literally} under my nose, looked up the nose and counted the hairs therein of a 6ft 8″ bikie whilst telling him I was going to arrest him. When he said he was going to pick me up and snap me like a twig my response was “Well don’t let fear stop you son!”
You would think after the other 2 I’ve mentioned, a spider would be easy meat yes? WRONG!! I’ll give you some idea of how bad I am with them. This is not a story that’s ever been said out loud in full before now that i think about it…but anyway.
This is how it unfolded.
When the girls father and I were first together, we had a house in a little place called Yallourn. The place no longer exists by the way, it’s a hole in the ground. In fact it’s an open cut mine they take coal from. I digress…
My husband used to do shift work. Day, afternoon and night. This particular day he was on afternoon shift. 3 – 11. It was around 8.00, I’d put Kelly down to sleep and decided to have a cup of tea. Out to the kitchen, turn the light on. First things I see? A huge mother arsed huntsman on the wall above the sink! FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK! Big as a fucking dinner plate {well, that’s how big it seemed!} I’m sure the whole house would have vibrated had he decided to gallop across the wall!
Hmmm…what to do??? I know! The broom! Sweep the bastard into the sink, run over, turn the hot water on, retreat…reallly quickly! Got the broom…great white hunter springs into action! Sweep sweep…fuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkk, he’s on the floor, not in the sink! He’s looking my way…suddenly the great white hunter is the great chicken shit hunted!!!! What did I do?? Straight up in the kitchen table of course!
So there I am, perched up on the kitchen table, looking down on this monstrous creature, who by the way, was prowling around the table legs in a very menacing manner! Hmmm…what next? Remembering here I’m scared of heights and feeling quite ill because of both the spider and this fact!!!
Jump on him? YUCK!! Spider guts everywhere? I don’t think so Tim! Can almost vomit thinking about it! Looked around and what do I spy? A glass casserole dish lid in the dish drainer. AHA! Inspiration! Crawl across the table to the bench, lean across, get the lid, back to the table. Now for the tricky bit. I’m stilll off the ground, and I need to lean down far enough to trap this mother fucker! Ok, you can do it! It’s fine, it’s only the table Maureen, not far enough to worry about. Well, no, I won’t get hurt, but the fucking spider is down there! What if I land on him??? NO! Do NOT think that way, you’ll be fine.
Now I probably should add I’m actually saying this as it’s happening! Out loud! To myself, while I’m on the kitchen table, trying to protect myself from this monster. God, I’m insane!
Anyhow. Psyched myself up {took 10 mins} lay down, lid in hand, wait for him to get close enough, drop the lid!! Quick!! Lid drops, spider trapped! WOOHOO!! The great white hunter has prevailed!!
*dances around the kitchen table* then realises how far she is off the ground and gets down {via the chair} very quickly cos she’s starting to feel dizzy!!
The way this house was layed out, the toilet was outside off the laundry, have to go through the kitchen. NO WAY!! This is a see through lid, I don’t want to be seeing him every time I need to pee!! Not likely.
Yep, you guessed it! Every time I needed to go to the toilet, out the front door, around the house into the laundry, through to the toilet.
Before he was even out of the car I’m there!!Get get rid of the bastard!! I’ve trapped him in the kitchen, under the casserole lid!! get him OUT of my kitchen!! DO. IT. RIGHT. NOW!!!!” all whilst he still in the car, eyes starting out of his head like a scared fucking rabbit!!
God let me count the ways I HATE spiders!!!
I’m as normal as the next person right???
